Unhappy Hour!!

There are few things I hate more, fine, as much as, happy hours with full-priced food. It’s an m-fing trap, one that people gleefully and optimistically amble into.

Yes, ecstatic and unassuming people rush out of their high-rises to said “happy" hour for a Bargain Basement night, only to be ripped the BEEP off with Needless Markup!!

I will admit, I’ve walked into such a tricky, tricky trap many times. Sometimes I am lured by the proximity of the locale, and other times, I just feel overwhelmed by a wealth of healthy and vital brain cells.

So, fraught with emotion and insecurity, I run into the arms of any accepting “happy" hour.

I mean.. why think when you can drink, am I right??? (As I toast to whomever is equally obnoxious around me) ---------------------->

Wrong.

That “happy hour” is going to take advantage of you, if you don’t define what you want from the onset of your relationship.

Ohh they think they’re clever, luring you with cheap booze, but I am cleverer!!!

A true happy- inducing-hour, should include, but not be limited to the following:

A. Cheap drinks
B. Cheap appetizers,
C. Compared to the late night scene, a slightly less douche-ified patronage, assuming it’s an after work crowd that didn’t pregame at the office.

Let’s break down this scene, with that objective in mind.

The protagonist, after her long day at work dealing with a bunch of jerks, for stereotypically low pay, just wants to meet up with her friends during happy hour, because it would be the most economical and expedient way to let off some steam.

How is she going to achieve her objective? Through force? Seduction? Emotion?

No, through logic, with some old school deductive reasoning, biotch!

Drinking= Hunger
Hunger= $
$ = bitching about lack of $
Bitching = NOT HAPPY AT HAPPY HOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And thus, the vicious, unforgiving circle.

So what have we learned here today kids? Do some research. Don’t let those jerks falsely advertising a “happy" hour fool you.

They’re just trying to get you sloshed so you’ll put out… more cash… when that’s exactly what you promised yourself you wouldn’t do!!

Keep your wallet closed. Don’t let your guard down. Citysearch it, google it, word o mouth it. Just use your brain, dumbass.

There are plenty of veritably inexpensive, genuine happy hours ( a $1.95 Burger and fries at McCormick and Schmitts) to keep you from those bad boy liar ASSHOLES (overcrowded, smells like horse excrement, Cabo Cantina)

Think. Then Drink. As much as you please.

Bible names are so B.C.

There are few things that piss me off more, fine, as much, as people continuing to name their kids common names.

What about all the overreaching, unfulfilled dreams that you burden your unborn with, compels you to, today, name that child Katherine? Sara? Michael?! Jose?!?!

That is soooo 20-2000 years ago.

Fear not, I realize there are a few exceptions. Many parents name their kids a name, because they think it’s edgy or uncommon at the time, only to realize much too late that every Bob and Sue having a baby in that generation thought the same thing.

Case in point, my name: Megan. Cutesy, and not wildly popular with the generations before me, but ever so the case now.

Or my little sister’s name - Jessica. Rampant now, but not when my family dreamed it up. We were like,

“What a cool name. We are motherfucking badasses!”

Oops.

But if you’re still naming your kids Megan and Jessica, why?? Sure it may remind you of your favorite TV actress, or best friend. But it likely also reminds you of that backstabbing bitch in high school, that useless assistant you fired, that ex girlfriend with the tramp stamp.

Either you’re a dull bore, or have a penchant for pre-personalized toothbrushes and post-its. Both unappealing traits, really.

Another exception: You’re naming them after someone. Maybe after some bitch on The Bold and The Beautiful, or some peep from the Bible (soooo B.C...but with good intentions), or after some great great great grandparent.

Ok fine. But take heed, that asshole that started that tradition is guffawing in their grave, cause Millie and Barnum were cool names in Kansas circa 1750, but even they knew they’d sound helllla stupid and geriatric 250 years later.

And in naming someone a name out of admiration for another, maybe you should give a hoot as to what that person was all about. What if great Barnum was a bank robber, or a badminton player, or an adulterer with syphilis? Would you still take pride in naming your child after that loser?

Considering the blatant self-centeredness of dead relatives insisting their names live on forever, and the torture that is to ensue for your thoroughly modern day Millie, why not compromise, and make Millie your daughter’s middle name? Those are usually stupid sounding anyways.

Then, make her first name something unique like Asia. Or India. No, Asia. (Their economy is really blossoming!) Yes, Asia Millie Smith.

Much better than the Millie Asia Smith you would have been stuck naming her, had you fallen in line with tradition. I mean, Millie Asia Smith just sounds ridiculous.

I get there are drawbacks to the other side of the coin, the GASP, unusual name. Just don’t go overboard like your name was Shannyn Sossaman, and name your kid Audio Science. What the ?!?!? In her defense, she probably came up with that name because she is plagued with an overused Irish name herself.

I feel your pain, Shan, I really do, its like you feel more specialer than the legions of other Shannons, yet your name is still Shannyn, which is Gaelic for firecrotch, and you’re probably only like a fourth Irish so it’s just awkward when everywhere you go you have to say “My Name is Shannyn, I’m not a firecrotch, but my dad IS an alcoholic!! Any questions?”

But, Shannyn, I’d at least have the decency to keep my embittered hands out of the “names that are really High School electives from the 1950's” pot.

I must admit, my parents too, almost fell into the unusual fifties-inspired-name trap with, yours truly. I was supposed to be named Chantilly.

Are you f-ing kidding me?? Just further proof that they never intended to love me.

I make the repeated mistake of telling people this story, only to often be met with “Chantilly Lace had a pretty face, and a pony tail wagging 'round, giggle and a walk and a giggle and a talk, make the world go round, round, round! There ain’t nothing in the world like a brown-eyed girl, make me act so funny, make me spend my money….”

Not only is that a lot to live up to, but who knew so many contemporaries know that song?!

Yes my mother loved it, and it was almost branded to my helpless baby bottom, until my straight-shooting grandfather spouted, “What am I supposed to call her? Tilly?”

That silenced the crowd, and I guess “Megan” wasn’t a bad shot at the buzzer.

So, what have we learned here today kids?

Google the most popular names of the past few years to make sure your uninspired choice isn’t on the top ten. Stop the tradition of naming your first born that terrible hick family name, because the original Barnum was probably a badminton-playing-bank-robber with syphilis. And don’t go to the opposite extreme with unusual fifties names/subjects like Chantilly or Audio Science.

Though Home Economics isn’t such a bad name for a 21^st century femme. Every rule has its exception….